Every time that I talk to my dad, not a day goes by that he doesn’t bash and insult homosexuals. He is under the impression that all homos are supposed to look like Vice Ganda or Charice Pempengco and every time I listen, a part of my heart breaks. I want to tell him to shut up, that he’s wrong and that he is practically insulting his own daughter on a daily basis. It fucking hurts. On December 31, 2013, I attended a party at a restaurant with my family and most of my relatives from my Dad’s side of the family. He starts giving relationship advice to my cousins and here comes the big finish. Out of all mistakes, never engage in a homosexual relationship he says. It’s wrong and they will go to hell. He says too many things that I can’t even mention and everyone listens to him as if he’s the Messiah. Everyone that is, except for my immediate family members. I and my sister hold hands under the table, signalling how much we want to shut him up. She doesn’t know of my orientation and I am grateful that she has nothing against the homosexual community. I am thankful that they don’t share the same opinion as him. It makes my eventual coming out easier to picture. I want to shoot a bullet through his skull.
As he talks, all I can do is stare and fiddle with my empty glass. I have long ago finished its contents in an attempt to distract myself. As I keep playing, my cousin (who used to be my best friend) speaks up. She is beside me and talks about how she has 2 friends engaged in a lesbian relationship. One girl does not intend for it to last because as soon as she graduates college, she will end it and get a boyfriend. I feel like she is only playing with the other girl’s heart. The sad thing is that this other girl used to be my classmate from high school and though I wish to warn her, I do not want to get involved in any drama. If her heart gets broken, I want no part of it. She finishes her story and notices my empty stare. She asks if I’m ok and I say yes with a smile. During the car ride going home, my brother, though usually dense, notices how I refuse to meet anyone’s eyes and asks the same question. I say yes in another monotone voice.
I would like to say that I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. I can’t help it that I’m like this. I spent most of my childhood in a heterosexual school and ever since I was seven, I started looking at girls differently. It progressed even more as I got older and I prayed to God day and night to make the gay go away. This article, journal, thing…whatever I’m writing sounds more like something that belongs in DLSU Secret Files but I just wanna come out. I’m so fucking sorry that I ended up like this but there is nothing I can do about this. I’m a femme lesbian. I look and act like a girl and go against so many stereotypes of what a lesbian should be. I don’t have short hair, wear guy clothes, play sports or have a deep voice. This makes it hard for so many people to believe me when I say I’m gay.
Today, as he drives me to school, he goes on another one of his lectures. The entire trip was just filled with his voice, deeming his judgement on those he sees as evildoers and not knowing that one of those sinners sit beside him. I bite my lip and face the window to keep from crying. I refuse to show tears for if I do, he will know and I can say goodbye to the roof on my head. When I went home, I told my mother about all of his lectures. My parents do not get along but I love my mom more than my dad. He’s an asshole anyway. My mother says that he’s crazy and that times have changed so you cannot believe everything that the bible says. I hide a smile at what she just said. I ask her “Mom?” and she replies with “yes?” but I hesitate and say “never mind, I forgot it” though she insists I go on and with a leap of faith I ask her “If I were gay, would you still love me?” It took every ounce of courage I had to ask her that and you know what her reply was? She said yes. I am her child and she will love me no matter what. It’s not like I would be doing anything wrong with my life though she says that she’ll find it sad and somewhat wasteful of my looks.
Upon hearing her answer, no emotion could encompass everything that I felt: joy, relief, happiness, confusion and so much more. Though I haven’t officially come out, at least I know that she’ll accept me and that’s all that matters. However, my dad and his entire side of the family will probably disown me given the homophobia there and I would retaliate that I’d rather be gay than be married and with kids to my own first cousin which is the case with more than half of my aunts and uncles. My half-sisters (older and younger but different mothers) are cousins with my dad. Thankfully, my parents are in no way related to each other. It even extends to my cousins where most of them are fuck buddies with each other. So which of these two is a bigger sin: homosexuality or incest? After a few more minutes of talking with my mom, I went to my room and cried tears of joy. I don’t know when I’ll come out of the closet to my family and I’m about to graduate this October at the tender age of 20. I’m just too scared to see the hurt, shame, anger and disappointment in everyone’s eyes. There’s just so much to lose but there is also a lot to gain, like this burden off my chest. I know this article is really long and I would like to thank you, dear reader for putting up with my ranting and emotional distress.