The Double Standards of Stranger Danger in Online Dating: Men versus Women

online dating

Back when I dated, meeting them online was in my opinion, scary and dangerous. With all these horror stories I read and see in the news, I was hesitant to meet guys virtually. The first things I worried about were the ff: Is he a rapist? What if he’s a serial killer? Will he drug my food when I’m not looking? Is his profile information fake? The second were: Is he ugly? What if he’s fat? What if he’s boring? Will this even work? I may be a bit paranoid but people left and right kept telling me about how meeting men online is dangerous and that the internet is full of predators and rapists. Sure, my profile got a ton of responses but then, a chunk of the replies were more than creepy and borderline harassment. At the time, my info said I was a bisexual and that I liked both guys and girls. It was creepy that many guys were asking for threesomes and asking if they could see me fuck another girl. The few guys who sounded genuinely sweet and interested, I’m sorry to say but I never gave them a chance. Some of them would ask for my number after a few weeks of chatting but I refused. The majority won over the minority and I was afraid that the ‘good’ guys were only sounding nice in their responses. I never went on a date with any of them. I deleted my accounts and stuck to guys from my University. I do wish I gave them a shot though. They probably would have made good friends at least.

However, dating women was completely different. When I got replies, the first thing I considered was how they look. Is she attractive enough? Is she cute? Is her personality interesting? We would chat and send messages and I would not hesitate in giving away my number after a few days. Even if she were a bit boring online, if she met my basic requirements, then I would not hesitate to go on a date. Contrary to dating men, even if they did meet the basics, I would still be suspicious of their intentions.

I think that the negative perception of meeting men online is dangerous, at least in the Philippines, is due to media overhyping it. The news often report about girls getting raped, murdered, drugged, trafficked, or even having body parts hacked off due to meeting men online. This can make women a bit more hesitant to consider dating strangers. Though I believe that this is just a minority of those who meet men virtually and they probably posted in suspicious websites like Craig’s List (looking at the ads there really give me the creeps sometimes). The reports of women scamming guys are considerably fewer and not as dangerous as men though this does not mean that meeting women online can’t be as risky as men. Thankfully, there are now apps like Tinder where the quality of men and women online is higher and their identities can be confirmed (most of the time).

Personally, I like online dating. Since I wasn’t born with a gaydar and wouldn’t know a lesbian if she sat next to me in class for 6 months (this actually happened), being provided a list of available single girls to choose from is quite convenient. Straights have Tinder, gays have Grindr and lesbians have…Brenda. My next post will be about lesbian dating apps and why we’re in desperate need of them. I’ve tried many and Brenda is the best I can find so far but I now digress from my original topic. Online dating is fine, just as long as you take caution with the stranger who you will meet and learn to sniff out any triggers that indicate this person is dangerous.

Do Looks Matter In Dating?

dating girls

My answer, is yes, yes it does. As people, we tend to judge first on what we see and the first thing that we notice about people is how they look. Call me shallow but I just cannot date someone who I am not physically attracted to. If a girl is nice but not really pretty and I don’t see anything happening between us, then I’ll put her in the friendzone or just stop after the first date. If the girl is pretty but I don’t see any attraction between us on a first date, then I’ll give it a few more dates before saying that it’s not working out. In short, I’m willing to give prettier girls more chances. I’ve already broken up a few dates with a girl just because I did not find her attractive enough.

On my last date, a friend with good intentions tried to set me up with another girl. She gave me her number and she gave the other girl mine. This other girl, who we shall call Den, started texting me. She was very sweet and called me ‘Princess’ and even spoke in old English to add to her charm. However, when I looked for her Facebook profile, I was quite disappointed. She did not meet my standards when it came to the looks department. She was fat, and did not have a nice face. She went to one of the best colleges like me and our high schools are sister schools so I could tell that she was also well educated. However, when I date someone I have three main requirements: education, looks, and clinginess. Though she met my first condition, she did not meet the other 2. I already wasn’t physically attracted to her, and she kept texting me nonstop. It was so annoying and there is nothing that irks me more than clingy people. I barely knew this girl and already, she kept texting me all the time. I had to make excuses just to get away!

When I finally met her in person, I realized that she was even fatter than her pictures show and though her face was not as bad, t was still unattractive for me though. Also, she didn’t dress well and as a fashionista, your outfit during a first meeting plays a crucial role. I mean, I made an effort to at least look decent (simpler than my usual attires) so you should at least extend the same courtesy. After spending an hour and a half with her, I could tell that we definitely weren’t going to work out. Her personality wasn’t that interesting and her looks did not appeal to me. We had lunch, played at the arcade, briefly met her mom (she insisted), and I went home. I never saw her again. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when it comes to the considering the looks of my partner. I don’t seek someone with drop dead super model looks but at least look average or fine. Though I think I’m being a bit hypocritical here since I’m the type to give more leeway and favor those who are above average.

I went on another date with another girl who I met online. I viewed her profile pictures and saw that she was cute, currently goes to the same university I just graduated from, and after chatting a bit for a few days, invited her to lunch. It went alright. I found her prettier in person and our conversations ranged from average to slightly interesting. After lunch, I escorted her to her next class. We texted a bit for a few days and she said that she’d love to have lunch again. However, she just suddenly stopped replying. I would only send 1-3 text messages (when she wouldn’t reply) in a day so I didn’t thing I was being too clingy. I finally had it after the third day of no responses and politely asked her to confirm with me if she didn’t want to go out anymore because I’m now left confused and hanging. She still ignored me. I know she ignored me because I also sent her a few messaged in the dating app I met her in and I knew that she was online. I just found it incredibly rude because she gave me false hope.

However, I’m not always into how another girl looks. When I was in high school, I had a crush on a girl who did not appeal to my aesthetic tastes at first. I usually ignored her because we weren’t friends and talked to different people. We only started talking when the teacher placed our seats together (she was behind mine). As I got to know her over time, I started falling in love with her and her personality. She was funny, nice, witty, and cool. Then as time went by, her looks grew on me and I also found out that she was a butch. I found her quite handsome (and apparently, so did the others). Until that day, I have NEVER been attracted to a butch. Unfortunately for me, this girl was taken and she was actually one of the most popular and sought after girls in the school. Blame me for being a new kid at the time but since I was a transferee, I did not know who belonged where in the social hierarchy of my high school. She was the captain of the swim team with a ton of friends and I was the geek with people issues who was too shy to make new friends and usually sat with 1-2 people or alone during lunch.

Not every girl is into looks and what’s attractive for one girl isn’t necessarily the same for another. People tend to date others who are just as attractive as them or at least, that’s what I was taught in my Psychology class. So if a person is a level 6 on a scale of 1-10, then they would probably want to date someone within that range. Unfortunately, IF I were a 6 (hypothetically speaking of course. I don’t know my rating), then the girl on my last date was a 3 and it just really didn’t work out. Considering how someone looks when you date them is not shallow. It is only human nature. Now let me contradict my previous statement by saying that though physical attractiveness is important, it shouldn’t be the basis for a relationship.

High Standards of Friendship

darkxchocolate94:

Amen. True friends should be able to accept ALL of you and not just tolerate a part of your identity.

Originally posted on Words and Thoughts and Stuff:

Over my lifetime, I have developed some pretty high standards when it comes to friends. I require my friends to be honest with me. I require them to put relatively the same amount of time and effort into the friendship that I do. I don’t ever try to control who they talk to or what they do with their lives, but I do expect them to have a certain amount of respect for my feelings and the people or things I do not wish to be involved with. And for the most part, none of these things are ever a problem and most people have absolutely no trouble meeting my expectations.

But as I have become more and more open about my sexuality, I am developing another standard. It’s one that a lot of people meet with ease, but that several people are falling short of. It’s the requirement that my friends…

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Lesbian Dating – Who Pays During the First Date?

barbies

When it comes to lesbian dating, there are many gray areas in terms of etiquette, rules, and roles. You’re both women after all and it even gets a bit more complicated if you’re both femmes. Do I have to open her door, pull out the chair, or wear pants? The last question may be a bit funny but on my first date with a femme lesbian (who I met online); I couldn’t decide whether I should wear pants or a dress. It may sound a bit silly to some, but it is a real question. I didn’t know what kind of girl this person was into. Does she like butches or femmes? Do I have to lead or will she prefer to? I just assumed that since she saw all my profile pictures and they were in either dresses or skirts, she would already know that I was extremely feminine.

Now, the next question – who pays? Personally, I think it’s the person who initiated the date or wanted to go out first. Of course, the other party should at least try to offer to pay for her share but sometimes, women like to feel taken care of and we don’t always mean what we say. Sure, she’ll offer but sometimes, I know that she doesn’t really mean it. I even informed her a few days ahead that Lunch is on me but she still offered when it was time to pay. Like the “gentleman” that I am, I refused and insisted.

However, if you don’t think that it’s working out and you don’t want to feel obligated to go out on a second date, then pay your share. I once went out on a date with a girl who my friend recommended. We spent about an hour and a half walking and talking around the mall but I could already tell I wasn’t attracted to her. I’ll talk about this experience later in another entry. So we decided to have lunch at Bonchon Chicken. When we got to the counter, I paid for Chapchae noodles that we could share and my own lunch. She asked if I was sure if I wanted to pay and said yes but secretly, I didn’t really mean it (like I said, we don’t always mean what we say), she was the one who asked me out after all. Though I didn’t want to feel obligated to go on a second date and feel guilty that I just ‘used’ her to pay for lunch so I’d rather pay my way.

So there you have it. If you initiated the date, then you pay. It makes you look chivalrous, not cheap, and makes a good first impression. However, if you were invited to go out, it is optional if you let the other girl pick up the tab or if you want to offer to pay a part of the bill. If you don’t feel like the date is going well, then pay for your own food or half the bill.

I hope this helps fellow lesbians or gives others an idea of how a lesbian date goes. Note though that not all the rules here apply to the entire lesbian community and it is just based on my personal experiences.

An Open Letter To Cat Callers Everywhere

cat call

Whenever I commute and have to walk home, there is this long road that I dread walking. It’s full of construction workers and cars. Often, there are trucks too with their windows down and I can see the drivers. It wouldn’t be so bad walking here every day but there’s just one problem. The CAT CALLS. I REALLY REALLY HATE THEM. Men, please stop it. You are not giving a woman a compliment by cat calling them. It’s offensive and it is just downright street harassment. It makes us feel vulnerable and scared sometimes. What’s worse is that there is this Filipino habit of saying *psst* *psst* to a woman passing by and it is a form of cat calling. Please tell me, why do you do it? Do you actually expect a response from us? Is this your way of trying to pick up girls because if it is, I can guarantee you that it will never ever work. I’ve never had the urge to give a guy my number or ask him out after being disrespected in such a vulgar manner (granted, I’m also gay but that’s beside the point). Not all men do this and those who do are obviously lowly people who haven’t been brought up with class OR etiquette. I will not stoop down to your level and insult you, much as I feel like degrading what your ego’s consider one of your most important, if not, THE most important body part.

However, I will say that we are not pets or objects that need your approval or “compliments.” Why do you disrespect women by doing this? A woman brought you into this world and she did not spend 9 months carrying you and bearing the pain to disrespect the opposite sex. How would you feel if you saw your Mother or Sister being treated like this? Or what if it happened to you? Doesn’t feel so good does it?

There is no discrimination when it comes to cat calling. I have friends who come in all shapes and sizes and at least once in their lives, it has happened to them. It doesn’t even matter what we wear. It can range from the milder forms of “hi ate” /“hi girls” to *psst *psst* to “Uy! Sexy!” and my personal favourite, HOOTING and SHOUTING like a bunch of animals. When I was an undergrad, there was a time I had to go through this EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. And sometimes, I just wanna punch the living daylights out of these creeps.I deserve to be able to walk home and not have to worry about this every day just because I am a woman.

gay marriage

Gay Marriage Still Has A Long Way To Go in the Philippines

While browsing through my News Feed, an article was shared by one of the Facebook pages I follow. The topic was gay marriage and I was greeted by a picture of two men kissing. It was about two Filipinos who took part in a “Holy Union” and got married. I checked out the comments and was appalled at what I saw. There was a mixed reaction from the people and though there were supporters, many still leaned towards seeing gay marriage as “disgusting”, “sinful” and “sodomizing.” Some even said that it was gross or looked gross because it features “two men kissing.” So if it were two women, would the reactions have been different? There are many people here who support the LGBT community and I’m grateful for that, however, for all my country’s claim to be liberal and boasting about equal rights for women, the acceptance of homosexuals still has a long way to go.Thankfully, we do have laws that allow us to migrate to other countries if we get married to the same sex, provided that it is legal in that country. I do believe that one day, marriage equality will happen in the Philippines, however, I’ll either be really old or dead when it happens.

Here’s a link to the article and screenshots of the comments. I do apologize for the horrible paint job. I decided to remove the names and pictures of these people to protect their identities. Also, since most of these comments are in Filipino, I have translated them in English. :)

http://kickerdaily.com/photos-pinoy-same-sex-couple-exchanges-vows-in-a-holy-union-ceremony-in-the-philippines/

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Grown-Up Versions of My Childhood Food and Life

milo for adults

I prefer this

I prefer this

 

Last night, my Mom gave me a slice of coffee cake and I decided to pair it up with a glass of hot chocolate. I was looking for my regular Milo (a popular local brand of chocolate and malt powder)  sachets but realized that I didn’t have any on hand. I spotted some Milo for Adults that my dad gave me and decided to give it a shot. Worst. Mistake. Ever. Well, it didn’t taste bad but I thought there was something wrong with it. I poured the same amount of water as I would have with my regular Milo sachets but it tasted bland, like a protein shake without enough flavouring or hot chocolate with too much water. I didn’t like it. So I got another sachet and thought that maybe I just needed to put more chocolate in it. It didn’t work. So I was eating my cake and drinking substandard hot chocolate with it. I was not happy. I still had a sachet with 2/3 Milo in it and like most Filipino children who love Milo, I decided to eat the powder. An even stupider mistake. One mouthful and I was running for a glass of water to wash away the taste. I was thinking, ‘What the heck is this? This is not Milo.’ It tasted bitter and weird.

Then it got me thinking. Most of the grown up food versions of my childhood favourite foods are actually similar. For example, I tried the grown up version of this powdered milk that I’ve been drinking for 16 years and found that it tasted very bland. Like the flavour was reduced to ½. I didn’t like it. So even though the milk I drink is only supposed to be for those 13 and under, I am not changing it anytime soon. I also tried the adult versions of cereal. I never really liked the taste of oatmeal so I’ve been trying them as overnight oats instead. It tastes pretty alright but it can get kind of tiring. But it’s the only food I know that’s low fat and can keep me full for a few hours. I tried oatmeal plain and the taste does not appeal to me. I always drown it in Milo, powdered milk or Milo + Coffee-mate (a local coffee creamer brand). I tried Muesli and I kinda liked it. I prefer it cold and it’s like a tastier version of oatmeal. But it I were given a choice, I’d rather eat Froot Loops, Koko Krunch, Milo Cereal or Frosted Flakes everyday for Breakfast. However, these are not very healthy and can only keep me full for an hour and half.

                This experience has made me realize that it’s just like growing up. I have to trade pieces of my childhood for adult versions of it- it’s no longer acceptable to make my parents buy all my stuff, not care for my health and eat anything and everything I want, commuting (though with a helicopter mom, I have yet to master this), and independence. I can keep listing others but most of us already know what it’s like to grow up, and not everything is pleasant. Working for your own money vs. parents giving it to you for example. The money an employee makes may be bigger than her/his allowance but spending money from their own sweat feels different. It’s harder and can give you second thoughts on spending that money on a Starbucks drink when you could buy a whole meal with it. However, I don’t think I’m gonna give up Milo, my childhood powdered milk, or stop eating sugar loaded cereals anytime soon.