White symbolizes purity, innocence, and virginity. There’s a reason why it’s the main color used for wedding gowns. However, white has never sat well with me. I feel like I’m not worthy of that color. When I was five, something precious and innocent was taken away from me. As a child, my parents were rarely home and I was left with the house maids. For seven years I was molested, beaten, verbally and physically abused by them. Then for another five years, my Father would beat me, and psychologically and verbally harm me as well. This post will not delve too deep into what those monsters did to me. That is a story reserved for another post.
What I went through for 12 years has obviously damaged my psyche and self-esteem. I don’t believe it when they say that child abuse victims fully get better. Yes, it does get better but we will never be 100% okay because like a scar, their childhood trauma is deeply embedded within. But with time, therapy, and lots of love, we heal. We get can be well, drop the razor, alcohol, drugs, suicidal tendencies, and rebellious attitude (to an extent).
But I digress now. I wanted to write this post because every time I put on something white, it has never boded well with me. I can’t wear a white top without something black dominating the outfit and I haven’t worn a white dress since my high school gala (a gala is a white dress worn by girls during the first Friday of every month. It is a uniform so we all wear the same dress. It is a practice often used in private all girl Catholic schools in the Philippines). I usually dress like a stereotypical emo kid: black skinny jeans, fishnets, leather jacket, fingerless leather gloves, skull tops, studded collars and necklaces; you get the picture. I like this style because it symbolizes how I feel inside: strong, angsty, dark. Sometimes I try on a white dress but I put it back on the rack because I just can’t stomach wearing it. I look good in them but the meaning of the color was often emphasized while I was growing up so I just can’t muster up the will and courage to wear it even though I really want to.
I know that I’m just damaged goods now and I understand it’s going take me a while to find someone who will fully accept me. I’m afraid to open up to friends because I don’t feel like burdening them with my problems is fair and they can only listen for so long. I can’t remember most of my childhood life at home and the few I do aren’t very pleasant memories. I am getting better though. I’ve been fighting this battle for four years now and the depression has greatly decreased and I haven’t cut in a full year so that’s a plus. Occasionally I’ll get nightmares or flashbacks of things I never remember and at least once a week I fall into this black hole of depression which can last for as little as 30 minutes to a few hours. Compared to how broken I was in high school, I’ve definitely made a ton of progress.
I understand that what happened wasn’t my fault yet a part of me still blames myself. What if I just spoke up more? Why didn’t I defend myself? Why did it have to go on till I was 16 before I took action? I am not looking for pity or attention. I just wanted to open this up because I don’t like telling my friends and family these things. People on the internet will judge me but I’d rather have it come from people I don’t know in real life.
The best I can wear is dirty white but I haven’t found a dress with the design I really want. I want a version of white that can express how I feel inside. Something torn but beautiful like my soul. I am dreading my wedding day because wearing a white wedding gown is really not something I look forward to. White symbolizing purity and virginity is a really old practice and I get that it’s the 21st century and all, but it’s still a popular belief.